Thursday, August 04, 2005

A Story about Snow

Since it it so hot outside, I thought I would tell you a short little story about snow.

It is a comedy of errors, and a true tale from the early years of our marriage.

The Setting:
7:30 a.m. and the happy couple is rushing about their tiny apartment in Lexington,Kentucky.
It is cold a very cold and blustery morning after an incredible late night winter storm.
They are both running late as they gather their belongings and try to get out the door and start their winter journeys to their jobs.

The Characters:
Anessa, Mark, Guy in Red Car, and The Officer.

And the Scene Begins:

Mark: (hurriedly) I gotta go, babe. Give me a kiss and I'll see you after work.

Anessa: Okay.... Bye, honey. Oh, dang it! I forgot to print my report out for work... I'm going to be a few more minutes. I'll lock up.
I love you. **kiss, kiss**

Mark: Love you, too. **kiss** Have a good day.

The door slams, as a few stray snowflakes swirl their way in to the warm and toasty living room, quickly evaporating into thin air. Mark's car leaves the driveway with a honk and a wave, and Anessa goes upstairs to print out the forgotten report for her work presentation.

Anessa: (Re-emerging only minutes later from printing her report, runs through her mental check list while rushing out the front door)
Report in hand? Check.
Keys? Check.
Coffee pot off? Check.
Door locked? Check, check.....and check....check....check.

Anessa pulls her knitted red cap down over her ears and makes a run through the cold for her wonderfully pre-heated car where she carefully, but swiftly, begins her navigation down the snowy road towards work.

Anessa: (thinking again...this time while driving her car) Hmmm. That looks a lot like Mark's car over there.
Oh! It is Mark...
What is he doing? Oh, how nice.
Looks like he's helping that poor man who's car is stuck in the snow.
What a great guy my husband is.
Stopping to help a person-in-need even when he's late for work.
I love him so much. **dreamy sigh** What a guy.

Mark and Guy in Red Car stop their chilly project, look up wide-eyed and start waving their arms desperately... mouthing something Anessa cannot quite make out.

Anessa: (audibly) What? Honey, what are you saying?
Oh, it's slick through here.
Oh, it's very slick.
I'm sliding! Oh my gosh! Oh no! Ohhhhhhh noooooooo!
Move! Move, honey! Mooooove!

In the matter of a split second Anessa has completely lost control of her automobile as the car's wheels slide effortlessly into two huge luge-like iced ruts in the road. Upon locking in on the luge-ruts, her car picks up speed, and careens dangerously towards her beloved husband and the Guy who owns the Red Car on the side of the road.

Mark: (screams) Oh shit!
Guy in Red Car: (screams) Oh shit!
Anessa: (screams) Oh shit!

In a heroic maneuver, Mark pushes Red Car Guy out of danger's way, while Anessa's car proceeds to strike Mark, knocking him down with a thud to the ice, and then continues to slide through the intersection hitting, not only Mark's car, but also hitting the Red Car. This is now the second hit for Red Car. You see, Mark wasn't helping the Red Car guy, after all. He had just rear-ended Red Car Guy moments earlier. They were out, in the freezing cold, surveying the still fresh damage and waiting for the police to arrive when Anessa's car popped over the hill.

Anessa: (emerging from her now also newly banged up car, hysterically runs towards Mark, tears ruining her perfectly applied mascara as she searches his glazed eyes) Oh my God! **sob**I ran over you! Are you okay? **sob** Are you okay?

Mark: (laying flat on his back in the snow, says nothing, but after a seemingly infinite moment, faint words intermingled with visible breath are uttered) Yeah.... Uh.... Ow....... I think I'm okay.

Guy: I don't know if we should move him. What if something's broken?

Anessa: (eye's now squirting tiny ice cube tears, faster than her Frigidaire) I am sooooo sorry.....**sob** I, I just hit that patch of ice and I, I, I couldn't stop. **sob**

Guy: It's okay lady, this guy did the exactly the same thing about ten minutes ago..

Mark: (shaken) I think I'm okay. Help me up. Get me out of this f-ing road before someone else runs over me.

Anessa and Red Car Guy help Mark to his feet and walk him carefully to the side of the road. Meanwhile the Police Officer arrives with roof lights twirling and blinking. There is absolutely no comforting Anessa at this point, as she has just realized this is her 3rd wreck in one year. Her insurance will be cancelled for the second time in her short driving career by the end of the afternoon.

Officer: (walking over while adjusting his belt and looking around at the carnage) What exactly happened here?

Guy: (nervous and panicked, begins to mumble a tale unbelievable events through his navy woolen neck scarf)
Officer, I got stuck here at this intersection
(points to intersection).....
when this guy
(points to Mark who is still barely moving and still stunned from being struck by a car).....
came along and hit this patch of ice.....
(points to the ridiculous luge-like ruts in the snow)....
his car slid, just like mine, and ran into my car......
Then, while we were waiting for you....
(points at the officer).......
this lady
(points at Anessa who now looks like an extremely distraught mental patient)
came along and hit the same patch of ice......
She ran over him with her car......
and, and, and, then slid through the intersection....
and ran into his car his car.......and mine!

Officer: (directly to Mark and Anessa, doubtfully)
It that really what happened?

Mark: (still foggy but coming out of it) Yeah, basically.

Anessa:(lip trembling) Yes, **sob** and I'm so sorry!

Officer: Well, lets all calm down and get in the back of the cruiser where it's nice and warm.
Then we'll write an accident report and call some wreckers. Okay?

Everyone agrees to cram into the back seat and The Officer begins the questioning from the front seat.
Anessa, still whimpering, sits in the middle, between Mark (who is feeling better by the moment)
and Red Car Guy (who, is now, both ticked-off and bewildered)

Mark: (turns to face Anessa who he fears may have taken a plunge off the deep end)
It's okay. It's okay.
Look, it really is going to be alright.
We're lucky it wasn't more serious.
None of us are hurt that bad.
No one is dead...or even bleeding.
It could have been so much worse.

Anessa: (looks into Mark's forgiving eyes and starts to tear up again)
I'm so sorry.... Can you ever forgive me for running over you and wrecking your car in the same.......

Then, without letting her finish her sentence, Mark puts his hands on Anessa's face, he pulls her close and kisses her on the lips for a very good long moment, thereby silencing her apologetic chatter. After this tender kiss, he takes her into his arms to console her.

Guy: (under his breath to Officer)
Oh. My. God.....
I, I don't fricking believe this....
Dude's kissing her!!!

Officer: (peering over from front seat with popping eyes, clears his throat and interrupts this stolen moment)
Ugh, ummm.
May I ask, what in the heck is going on here, kids?

Mark: I'm sorry, Officer, but what do you mean?

Officer: Young man, you just kissed the woman that ran over you.

Guy: (staring in sheer amazement at Mark's seemingly unconventional way of picking up women)

Mark: Oh.... (chuckles a little and looks at Anessa) Honey?

Anessa: (Manages an uneasy smile) Um, I'm his wife.

......and the cruiser slowly begins to bubble over with the sound of uncontrolable laughter......

The End.


Anonymous Jill said...

You made me laugh soooooooooooo much with this story!

Thursday, 04 August, 2005  
Blogger anessa said... was pretty dang funny.
I left out the part where later we both called in sick to work went to Cheapside Bar and had cocktails in our hands by 10am.

Friday, 05 August, 2005  
Blogger Lori-Lyn said...

You'd be surprised how often I think of this story. This was a wonderful retelling. Thanks!

Friday, 05 August, 2005  
Blogger Mick said...



Tuesday, 16 August, 2005  

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