The Blind Forest of Blue Ridge Manor
I woke up this morning on the right side of the bed. Cheerful. Feelin' good.
I turned on the radio and Tom Petty was singing "The Waa-aay--ting is the Hardest Part".
A great song to sing along with and doll up to. I took a sponge bath and did my hair. It looked really nice. I weighed myself. Lost a pound! Right on! Great way to start a new day.
Put on a new pair of creme pants, a nice black velvet jacket and my trusty black high heel boots. Perfect. Picked up the phone and left a message for the hostess of the wedding shower I was heading off to: " Tyra, hi this is Anessa. I'm running a few minutes late but I will be there in 15 minutes or so. It's 5 minutes until noon. Can't wait to see all of you and have some cake!" Hopped in the jeep with my map quest directions and off I went. I got there in 12 minutes flat. Well, not exactly there. I should have said, I made it to the gates of the subdivision. And those gates might as well have been the gates to a modern day Labyrinth of Crete as far as I am concerned. Slightly daunting, but this isn't Crete, it's Louisville. Surely I can navigate this neighborhood.
Or maybe not. I get a little nervous after speeding past my first turn. Oops. Now just slow down, girlie. No rush. You're not that late. Just turn around and instead of going left go right on the next street. Simple enough. You'll be there in no time. All seemed to be going fine until the street I was traveling on came to a dead end and the turnoff I was looking for did not seem to exist. Let's check that map again. Yes, that's where it should be. Maybe I missed it. Maybe it's invisible like platform 9 and 3/4s on the Harry Potter movie. I should turn down the radio and quit singing. I need to be paying attention. I'm not reading it wrong, am I? Another call to the hostess and another message left. I wonder why she's not answering. "Hi Tyra, this is Anessa again. I am in the neighborhood, but I'm kinda lost. Call me back if you get this message. I'll just keep driving around in the meantime in case I get lucky and stumble across your house. Oh , it's 12:20. Bye. See you in a few."
I drive around a while. Where are all the townfolk, anyway? Doesn't anyone get outside anymore? Funny, all these streets look a lot alike. The homes too. Let's see... Blue Hill Court. Blue Ridge Drive. Ridge Hill Lane. Hill Drive Court. What was I looking for? This is bizarre. Oh wait, I'm in luck. A beautiful Stepford creature jogging down the street towards me. A vision in pink velour. "Excuse me. Can you kindly point me in the direction of Hill Cross Ridge? " She knowingly pointed a long manicured finger and replied, "Sure honey, take this road behind you and follow it until you can make a left. It should be right there." Fantastic! I need to get to the party soon.
I am l-a-t-e! It is 12:35 and these stop signs every 100 feet are getting quite annoying. Okay, turnaround, left, follow the circle and here...... we........are.
Wait.
What?
You have got to be f-ing kidding me. I'm back where I started. Ten more minutes of this and and I'm going to show up unexcusably late. I feel like a mouse in a maze just trying to get to the cheese. Or to the cake in this particular instance. I should have left a trail of twine when I embarked on this journey.
Ten minutes pass. CrossHill-Blue Ridge Manor Drive-Court. Lane. Blah, blah, blah. If that dog over there taking a shit could talk I'd ask him for directions. Why is Tyra not answering the phone? What a lame hostess. I mean really. My thoughts grow dark and sarcasm sets in. Um, hi everyone, I would have been sooner but I had to exchange some magic beans with the Order of the Minotaurs to gain entry to the blind forest in which you reside. All this, is of course AFTER the changeling pink witch tricked me into taking the never-ending circle of madness.
12:45. New game plan. I will call the bride-to-be's father. Maybe he can help me. I'll call directory assistance. "Hi Steve, this is Anessa. I need your help. I'm a little lost. I've been driving around looking for the party for quite a while now. Left a few messages with Tyra. I'd love to see everyone. The gift is sitting here in the passenger seat. I'm parked in the First Church of the Love of God Parking lot. I'm staying put for a few minutes. Call me if you get this message."
No callback.
No plan C.
Okay. This is really it. One more trip through. It is now 1:03.
My final attempt is futile. My head is exploding and I am now defeated, deflated and in a hell of a mood. I would be a terrible guest. I vow to myself never to live in such a place as long as I live and somehow, by the grace of angels, I find my way back to the Manor Gates and the real world. Pedal to the metal with the labyrinth shrinking in the rear view mirror, I decide to go for some sushi and conclude that cake is highly over-rated anyway.
I turned on the radio and Tom Petty was singing "The Waa-aay--ting is the Hardest Part".
A great song to sing along with and doll up to. I took a sponge bath and did my hair. It looked really nice. I weighed myself. Lost a pound! Right on! Great way to start a new day.
Put on a new pair of creme pants, a nice black velvet jacket and my trusty black high heel boots. Perfect. Picked up the phone and left a message for the hostess of the wedding shower I was heading off to: " Tyra, hi this is Anessa. I'm running a few minutes late but I will be there in 15 minutes or so. It's 5 minutes until noon. Can't wait to see all of you and have some cake!" Hopped in the jeep with my map quest directions and off I went. I got there in 12 minutes flat. Well, not exactly there. I should have said, I made it to the gates of the subdivision. And those gates might as well have been the gates to a modern day Labyrinth of Crete as far as I am concerned. Slightly daunting, but this isn't Crete, it's Louisville. Surely I can navigate this neighborhood.
Or maybe not. I get a little nervous after speeding past my first turn. Oops. Now just slow down, girlie. No rush. You're not that late. Just turn around and instead of going left go right on the next street. Simple enough. You'll be there in no time. All seemed to be going fine until the street I was traveling on came to a dead end and the turnoff I was looking for did not seem to exist. Let's check that map again. Yes, that's where it should be. Maybe I missed it. Maybe it's invisible like platform 9 and 3/4s on the Harry Potter movie. I should turn down the radio and quit singing. I need to be paying attention. I'm not reading it wrong, am I? Another call to the hostess and another message left. I wonder why she's not answering. "Hi Tyra, this is Anessa again. I am in the neighborhood, but I'm kinda lost. Call me back if you get this message. I'll just keep driving around in the meantime in case I get lucky and stumble across your house. Oh , it's 12:20. Bye. See you in a few."
I drive around a while. Where are all the townfolk, anyway? Doesn't anyone get outside anymore? Funny, all these streets look a lot alike. The homes too. Let's see... Blue Hill Court. Blue Ridge Drive. Ridge Hill Lane. Hill Drive Court. What was I looking for? This is bizarre. Oh wait, I'm in luck. A beautiful Stepford creature jogging down the street towards me. A vision in pink velour. "Excuse me. Can you kindly point me in the direction of Hill Cross Ridge? " She knowingly pointed a long manicured finger and replied, "Sure honey, take this road behind you and follow it until you can make a left. It should be right there." Fantastic! I need to get to the party soon.
I am l-a-t-e! It is 12:35 and these stop signs every 100 feet are getting quite annoying. Okay, turnaround, left, follow the circle and here...... we........are.
Wait.
What?
You have got to be f-ing kidding me. I'm back where I started. Ten more minutes of this and and I'm going to show up unexcusably late. I feel like a mouse in a maze just trying to get to the cheese. Or to the cake in this particular instance. I should have left a trail of twine when I embarked on this journey.
Ten minutes pass. CrossHill-Blue Ridge Manor Drive-Court. Lane. Blah, blah, blah. If that dog over there taking a shit could talk I'd ask him for directions. Why is Tyra not answering the phone? What a lame hostess. I mean really. My thoughts grow dark and sarcasm sets in. Um, hi everyone, I would have been sooner but I had to exchange some magic beans with the Order of the Minotaurs to gain entry to the blind forest in which you reside. All this, is of course AFTER the changeling pink witch tricked me into taking the never-ending circle of madness.
12:45. New game plan. I will call the bride-to-be's father. Maybe he can help me. I'll call directory assistance. "Hi Steve, this is Anessa. I need your help. I'm a little lost. I've been driving around looking for the party for quite a while now. Left a few messages with Tyra. I'd love to see everyone. The gift is sitting here in the passenger seat. I'm parked in the First Church of the Love of God Parking lot. I'm staying put for a few minutes. Call me if you get this message."
No callback.
No plan C.
Okay. This is really it. One more trip through. It is now 1:03.
My final attempt is futile. My head is exploding and I am now defeated, deflated and in a hell of a mood. I would be a terrible guest. I vow to myself never to live in such a place as long as I live and somehow, by the grace of angels, I find my way back to the Manor Gates and the real world. Pedal to the metal with the labyrinth shrinking in the rear view mirror, I decide to go for some sushi and conclude that cake is highly over-rated anyway.
posted by anessa arehart at 1/22/2005 04:17:00 PM
2 Comments:
Oh, man, that is just crazy. Funny story, though. Hope your sushi was good.
Thanks-- Can you believe that's a true story? I called Sheri's Mom last night to explain and apparently the same thing happened to another woman--minus the magic beans and the witches and etc... I suppose Sheri will forgive me eventually. It truly was the strangest most frustrating experience. The sushi was great by the way. Thanks.
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